Chad,
I have
always had control issues. My entire life has been one compulsion after
another. When I was little I would lick my mouth to make sure it was always
clean. I would constantly do this to where my mouth would be so chapped and
raw. I eventually got over this. Unfortunately then I moved to hand washing. I
would touch something and go wash my hands, touch something else and run back
to the sink. My hands would dry out and look scaly. I got through that
compulsion too. I would lick my pencil points in elementary school to make sure
the pencil was clean before writing with it. I would say this phrase so much
and a certain way all the time. I had to say it, If I didn’t I felt like I was
going to die. I would pop my neck so much I would get dizzy and feel pain from
doing it so often. I would sleep in my sisters room because I didn’t’ want to
mess up my bed that was made. My childhood seemed to go from one compulsion to
another. My parents have helped me along the way to get through these
challenges. While going through those stages in my life I was also very anal
about my room. I wouldn’t let my friends or younger cousins, or anyone into my
room, because I did not want anything to be touched or moved. Even if people
put it back in the exact same spot, it would haunt me. Glaring at me, and
laughing at how this little thing could control my life entirely. There are so
many other things that I have gone through, that I wont mention.
When I transferred to Texas Tech my
parents and I searched everywhere for a close to campus apartment that took
dogs, and I could live alone. We were unsuccessful, and I was fixed with my
first roommate. My first roommate was a very nice guy. He did his own thing,
and we would say hi in passing, however we were not close. He was also rarely
home. He lived a very neat and tidy life, but still not clean enough for me. Everything
was great until he smoked pot in the house and being a teacher I did not want
that on my record. Plus I hate the smell. I have a very sensitive nose as you know.
So he moved out after he got kicked out of Tech, and I lived alone for a
semester. It was amazing. I would clean the house and it would stay that way
for two weeks. When I would clean again there wasn’t much to clean. However it
was extremely lonely. I wouldn’t have people over, and Ginger doesn’t talk, so
it was very quiet. Then you came and moved in.
After living by myself for seven
months it was quite a rude awakening for me to have someone to share the house
with. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you? You got in that horrible
accident, broke both arms, had surgery on them, could no longer do what you
love more that anything, being a firefighter/paramedic, and so you came back to
school and had to move in with some random gay guy 10 years younger than you.
The entire kitchen and living room was furnished with my stuff, there was no
wall space for anything you wanted to put up, and you had to drop your
lifestyle to fit around the one I forced on you the second you stepped into the
door.
You are a great guy. You are always
there for me. You adapted to live in this crazy house of control so quickly and
almost flawlessly. You are always willing to help out, you practically know
everything, and would give the shirt off your own back to a stranger. You are
an amazing dad, and the relationship you have with your daughter inspires me
for when I have kids one day. The bond that you and I share is special. I don’t
think of you as just a roommate. I know I’m not easy to live with. I never said
I was, nor will I ever completely change. I’m trying as hard as I can to get
better though. I’m not perfect. I don’t know why I have to control certain
things? This is just who I am. I clean the entire house; because I have a
certain way I like it to be done. It’s not that you “do it wrong”, but because
if I don’t’ do it, it will sit there and haunt me. Laughing at me and making me
feel sick because I can’t control it, because I didn’t do something about it.
So when you clean and I go right behind you and clean whatever it is again,
it’s because I have to satisfy that urge.
I have been really hard on you
about the house, too hard. I don’t know why? I don’t want this to affect our
relationship as friends and roommates. I was out of line last night and every
other time. You were doing everything you could to keep me sane from all the
people, and keep the house clean, and still have fun. I had no right to yell or
take my lack of control out on you. You were working your ass off to satisfy
me. You did nothing wrong. I completely lost it when that glass bottle broke
and spilt everywhere in the kitchen. I hated how I reacted and embarrassed
myself. A bottle broke. It happens. Things break and spill, people make
mistakes. Hell I even spilt a few things last night. No one is perfect,
including me. I was a monster and I feel absolutely terrible. You weren’t doing
anything wrong. I should have just gone and punched a pillow to release my
tension from the mess, instead of criticizing you for how you were cleaning
“wrong”. I feel terrible Chad. I really do. This whole situation has made me
sit back and re-evaluate my life. Looking back I see what is more important in
life. The wonderful people I surround myself with, not the perfect and clean
house I live in. After you reacted back and lost it, it hit me. I am the
problem. I’m the one who can’t do anything right and instead of trying to
control how perfect the house is, and controlling you to live in the house
perfectly, I need accept the fact that nothing is perfect. I’m not, your not,
the house is not, nor will the house or us ever be.
I’m planning on seeing a counselor
at Tech when we come back from Christmas break. Hopefully they can help me to
cope with this disease and get through this. Hopefully they can help save me so
I do not loose you or anyone else in my life due to this tragic lifestyle that
is causing me to collapse inside. I am so so so sorry for everything. I wish I
could just stop. It physically hurts and exhausts me to live this way. If I do
not stop worrying, stressing, and obsessing, it will be my undoing. I ask for
your forgiveness. If not, I completely understand. I’m trying.
Please be patient with me. I love you more than you will
ever know, and having you in my life is a true blessing.
Jayson
"Do not touch! This house is like a museum!"
"It takes you 20 minutes to make your bed?"
"Windex doesn't really make that big of a difference Jayson."
"All of my dishes are dirty, may I borrow one?"
Jayson- my middle daughter is OCD--at first when she was young we thought it would be a passing thing. Then it started interfering with her every day life. I am not saying that is what you have, but Victoria did a lot of the same things. She still battles with the obsessions today even with medication. But, like you she sees it and knows when it is getting bad. You are so brave to talk about the things that you do and see that it can be hard on others. It is hard for everyone to understand on both sides. Use it to your advantage, embrace it and laugh at yourself. Because laughter is the best medicine. I am proud of you!
ReplyDeleteJayson, as I stated earlier, this is something many middle class white gay men deal with--or at least it's what I have observed. I stayed with a friend in Dallas in Oak Cliff a few weeks ago. He was house sitting for a trust-fund friend (meaning he never worked) who was visiting in the Midwest. This house was nearing the end of a two and a half year remodel. Jayson, you would have loved it. (I need to show you pictures.) There was nothing on the walls. It looked like an open-concept house from HGTV. Pool and beautifully scaled backyard. It looked like a Restoration Hardware store with no knick knacks anywhere. I thought to myself, who lives this way? Where are all of the vestiges of life? As pretty as it looked, it haunted me. I felt like I was in a shell. Notwithstanding that OCD and other issues are totally different, but I swear, that all of my middle class white gay male friends have immaculate homes. What's up with that? I think it may have to do more with middle class standards and related issues. But it is just an aside.
ReplyDeleteSharing your story via a letter is a great vehicle in scholarship. And quite intimate. I always wonder how can teachers/we connect our lives to our teaching and learning. This is one way, but it is so intimate and vulnerable. Trust is key as is ethics. What you leave for us is a lesson plan in a way, laying a foundation for something to do and a recipe for altering your reality. Great work. Just fascinating to read--as are all of the papers to date. I am learning what we/some of us can relay/tell and what some of us can not or never. That's the world we live in. And all are valid. How to keep that balance. And invite lives in without shame or alienation. Thanks for sharing this with us. Great work.
Ed, Thank You for sharing your insightful comments. They make me smile.
DeleteDear Jayson,
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that we spent the summer in Junction working on the Fresco Wall together. It was wonderful getting to know you. I have to confess that your letter above has moved me deeply, and when I "show" you why in words (I will not post a photo at this time) I hope it will make you laugh, because what I am about to tell you makes me cry. You and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum.... you cannot stand to have anything out of place, and you fear it is affecting your relationships.... I cannot let anything go, and I know it is affecting my relationships.
That first paper I wrote did more for me than just a "retelling" of a part of my past. As I was writing it, I looked around my living room and burst into tears. I was not planning to share this with the class (it was too personal and for me, very shaming). I was going to send a private letter to Ed as I wanted hime to know how much this class has done for me personally, but because of your letter here, I feel it important that you know my story, as perhaps it will help you to see that the opposite problem is also difficult to endure.
What I was crying about was the state of my home. You see, I am a hoarder. When I wrote that I was a memory hoarder (in my first paper), that was so true.... but I am also a "thing" hoarder. As I looked at my room, and all the "stuff" including old papers, wrappers, junk junk junk - I had a revelation. I believe that part of the reason why I have such a hard time letting things go stems back to the time when my stepmother would wipe away every trace of my existence.....now that I am on my own, I can say "NO ONE will clean up and throw away ANYTHING without my consent....." - very very scary. It also did not help to choose to marry a verbally abusive man who I allowed to undermine my very being (we are long divorced). I am waking up from years of slumber. I thought that I had completely dealt with these issues before, that I had moved on and they were a non-issue, but I see that I am still needing to get free of these destructive patterns.
Because of this class, because of that first paper of mine, I was able to confront a terribly difficult issue in my life. I have not allowed friends into my home since my daughter moved out (four years ago), but after that cathartic paper and revelation, I called one of my dear trusted friends up (she lives in New Mexico) and asked if I paid for her flight, would she be willing to come out during my Christmas break to assist me, and help me throw out, give away, organize my home.
I am hoping that I will now be able to get rid of things because I understand now that "things" are not "me". I can let them go now, because I understand why I was so clingy to all of these possessions..... I no longer need them to prove that I "live", that I am in control of my environment.
I know it will still take a lot of work and determination to get rid of this "stuff". I have been unable to get rid of things for so many years.... it has become a major problem. I want to be able to have people come over to my home again. I used to love to entertain and cook dinners for friends. My house was the gathering place for so many events. I want that again.
Of course, maybe I can hire you? You can come on over and go to town, pitch, clean, organize - just don't have a nervous breakdown from all the disorder....
For me, pictures of clean rooms are absolutely beautiful!
I happen to love clean, orderly, empty spaces - perhaps because I am the opposite?I just do not know how to keep one that way.
I am going to take some pictures of what my home looks like now, and maybe after my friend comes and I see some headway, I will send you a picture.
Thank you for your words. I know it took courage. Your courage helped me to speak about my difficult area.
Pamela, Thank You for sharing your beautiful comments.
DeleteJayson,
ReplyDeleteyour writing is so personal and I have to thank you for sharing it with us because I don't think many of us really share this intimate details of our lives. Although, I think we should because it helps us cope and find solutions to the things that hurt or bother us. My aunt is self-diagnosed OCD and reading your letter has helped me understand her a little better. How you describe yourself is how I see my aunt. She asked me to clean or put the dishes in the dish washer and would just re-do it seconds after I had just finished doing it. Thanks for sharing your story. It took a lot of guts from you to seek help and admit that you were being to hard on someone but I am confident that you have the strength to feel better! :)
Jayson, obsessive-compulsive disorder is a really difficult thing. Thanks for letting us share these details of your life. To overcome the obsessive-compulsive disorder, you need to have faith in yourself that you can overcome it. Beyond that, it will have a significant impact on the course of your life and your future and inner psychological comfort.
ReplyDeletePam I am so glad that you could make this step forward! You know as Obsessive Compulsive, many people think that I like a very minimal lifestyle, that I do not like things, or a lot of them. This couldn't be farther from the truth for me. I love stuff! All kinds of stuff, knick knack stuff, and things that people place around their houses for decorations, and I actually collect a lot of different things myself. I love things! Im just different from other people because everything of mine, knick knacks and all, have a certain spot it has to be in. I am not a minimalist at all! Minimalism is great for some people but I'm afraid it is not my style. I just have to have a spot for all of my stuff. That is my compulsion. I personally have no problem with my compulsion. I am very happy! This is the way I am use to living. It only ever becomes a problem for other people. My friends understand that this is who I am, yet they try to get me to change. I don't know why? However I know they mean well. But I am quite happy with who I am. Compulsions and all!
ReplyDeleteJayson, your paper showed a lot of courage within your character which is truly special. Most people have too much pride and couldn’t have done what you did within your paper. Always remember that OCD might be apart of you but it will never define your character. I cant imagine what its like having OCD, but I know that you must be a very strong person. I loved your idea of writing your paper like a letter. It was very beautiful and sincere. Good job! I wish you all the best in the future.
ReplyDeleteWow, Jayson this is very touching and poignant. I think it is very brave to publicly apologize and take steps in the healing process. I remember when I told my best friend that I was struggling with some issues. I couldn't hide anymore because I told her. It was out there. That was a huge turning point for me. Echoing what Brea said, it might be a part of you, but it does not define your character. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteMartha,
DeleteI couldn't agree more with your comments. Thank You.
Jayson,
ReplyDeleteThank You for sharing your wonderful, personal story with me and others in this class. You choose your words carefully and weave an insightful, honest story of your apartment life with Chad in Lubbock. I admire your honesty and sincerity when you explain your journey and how your relationship with Chad has affected your present perspective. I certainly understand and empathize with your OCD condition. My bright nephew, a Baylor grad, has OCD and he receives treatment to assist him with personal challenges. His recent success was being the chief IT consultant for the Reel FX Production of "Free Birds". I am proud to say I saw his name in the credits at the end. I wanted to stand and shout..
When I was in class with you in Junction this past summer, your personality and mealtime conversations put me at ease when returning to college after being away for several years. I was in my second MAE class and wondering how and where I fit. You made me feel at home amongst all the challenges that were Fresco painting. Thank You, I will always be grateful for that.
Again, Thank You for presenting, and weaving a heartfelt story of concerns that are dear to you. You have a wonderful way of conveying your ideas candidly and personally.