Chad,
I have
always had control issues. My entire life has been one compulsion after
another. When I was little I would lick my mouth to make sure it was always
clean. I would constantly do this to where my mouth would be so chapped and
raw. I eventually got over this. Unfortunately then I moved to hand washing. I
would touch something and go wash my hands, touch something else and run back
to the sink. My hands would dry out and look scaly. I got through that
compulsion too. I would lick my pencil points in elementary school to make sure
the pencil was clean before writing with it. I would say this phrase so much
and a certain way all the time. I had to say it, If I didn’t I felt like I was
going to die. I would pop my neck so much I would get dizzy and feel pain from
doing it so often. I would sleep in my sisters room because I didn’t’ want to
mess up my bed that was made. My childhood seemed to go from one compulsion to
another. My parents have helped me along the way to get through these
challenges. While going through those stages in my life I was also very anal
about my room. I wouldn’t let my friends or younger cousins, or anyone into my
room, because I did not want anything to be touched or moved. Even if people
put it back in the exact same spot, it would haunt me. Glaring at me, and
laughing at how this little thing could control my life entirely. There are so
many other things that I have gone through, that I wont mention.
When I transferred to Texas Tech my
parents and I searched everywhere for a close to campus apartment that took
dogs, and I could live alone. We were unsuccessful, and I was fixed with my
first roommate. My first roommate was a very nice guy. He did his own thing,
and we would say hi in passing, however we were not close. He was also rarely
home. He lived a very neat and tidy life, but still not clean enough for me. Everything
was great until he smoked pot in the house and being a teacher I did not want
that on my record. Plus I hate the smell. I have a very sensitive nose as you know.
So he moved out after he got kicked out of Tech, and I lived alone for a
semester. It was amazing. I would clean the house and it would stay that way
for two weeks. When I would clean again there wasn’t much to clean. However it
was extremely lonely. I wouldn’t have people over, and Ginger doesn’t talk, so
it was very quiet. Then you came and moved in.
After living by myself for seven
months it was quite a rude awakening for me to have someone to share the house
with. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you? You got in that horrible
accident, broke both arms, had surgery on them, could no longer do what you
love more that anything, being a firefighter/paramedic, and so you came back to
school and had to move in with some random gay guy 10 years younger than you.
The entire kitchen and living room was furnished with my stuff, there was no
wall space for anything you wanted to put up, and you had to drop your
lifestyle to fit around the one I forced on you the second you stepped into the
door.
You are a great guy. You are always
there for me. You adapted to live in this crazy house of control so quickly and
almost flawlessly. You are always willing to help out, you practically know
everything, and would give the shirt off your own back to a stranger. You are
an amazing dad, and the relationship you have with your daughter inspires me
for when I have kids one day. The bond that you and I share is special. I don’t
think of you as just a roommate. I know I’m not easy to live with. I never said
I was, nor will I ever completely change. I’m trying as hard as I can to get
better though. I’m not perfect. I don’t know why I have to control certain
things? This is just who I am. I clean the entire house; because I have a
certain way I like it to be done. It’s not that you “do it wrong”, but because
if I don’t’ do it, it will sit there and haunt me. Laughing at me and making me
feel sick because I can’t control it, because I didn’t do something about it.
So when you clean and I go right behind you and clean whatever it is again,
it’s because I have to satisfy that urge.
I have been really hard on you
about the house, too hard. I don’t know why? I don’t want this to affect our
relationship as friends and roommates. I was out of line last night and every
other time. You were doing everything you could to keep me sane from all the
people, and keep the house clean, and still have fun. I had no right to yell or
take my lack of control out on you. You were working your ass off to satisfy
me. You did nothing wrong. I completely lost it when that glass bottle broke
and spilt everywhere in the kitchen. I hated how I reacted and embarrassed
myself. A bottle broke. It happens. Things break and spill, people make
mistakes. Hell I even spilt a few things last night. No one is perfect,
including me. I was a monster and I feel absolutely terrible. You weren’t doing
anything wrong. I should have just gone and punched a pillow to release my
tension from the mess, instead of criticizing you for how you were cleaning
“wrong”. I feel terrible Chad. I really do. This whole situation has made me
sit back and re-evaluate my life. Looking back I see what is more important in
life. The wonderful people I surround myself with, not the perfect and clean
house I live in. After you reacted back and lost it, it hit me. I am the
problem. I’m the one who can’t do anything right and instead of trying to
control how perfect the house is, and controlling you to live in the house
perfectly, I need accept the fact that nothing is perfect. I’m not, your not,
the house is not, nor will the house or us ever be.
I’m planning on seeing a counselor
at Tech when we come back from Christmas break. Hopefully they can help me to
cope with this disease and get through this. Hopefully they can help save me so
I do not loose you or anyone else in my life due to this tragic lifestyle that
is causing me to collapse inside. I am so so so sorry for everything. I wish I
could just stop. It physically hurts and exhausts me to live this way. If I do
not stop worrying, stressing, and obsessing, it will be my undoing. I ask for
your forgiveness. If not, I completely understand. I’m trying.
Please be patient with me. I love you more than you will
ever know, and having you in my life is a true blessing.
Jayson
"Do not touch! This house is like a museum!"
"It takes you 20 minutes to make your bed?"
"Windex doesn't really make that big of a difference Jayson."
"All of my dishes are dirty, may I borrow one?"
