Research Final

Chad,

            I have always had control issues. My entire life has been one compulsion after another. When I was little I would lick my mouth to make sure it was always clean. I would constantly do this to where my mouth would be so chapped and raw. I eventually got over this. Unfortunately then I moved to hand washing. I would touch something and go wash my hands, touch something else and run back to the sink. My hands would dry out and look scaly. I got through that compulsion too. I would lick my pencil points in elementary school to make sure the pencil was clean before writing with it. I would say this phrase so much and a certain way all the time. I had to say it, If I didn’t I felt like I was going to die. I would pop my neck so much I would get dizzy and feel pain from doing it so often. I would sleep in my sisters room because I didn’t’ want to mess up my bed that was made. My childhood seemed to go from one compulsion to another. My parents have helped me along the way to get through these challenges. While going through those stages in my life I was also very anal about my room. I wouldn’t let my friends or younger cousins, or anyone into my room, because I did not want anything to be touched or moved. Even if people put it back in the exact same spot, it would haunt me. Glaring at me, and laughing at how this little thing could control my life entirely. There are so many other things that I have gone through, that I wont mention.

When I transferred to Texas Tech my parents and I searched everywhere for a close to campus apartment that took dogs, and I could live alone. We were unsuccessful, and I was fixed with my first roommate. My first roommate was a very nice guy. He did his own thing, and we would say hi in passing, however we were not close. He was also rarely home. He lived a very neat and tidy life, but still not clean enough for me. Everything was great until he smoked pot in the house and being a teacher I did not want that on my record. Plus I hate the smell. I have a very sensitive nose as you know. So he moved out after he got kicked out of Tech, and I lived alone for a semester. It was amazing. I would clean the house and it would stay that way for two weeks. When I would clean again there wasn’t much to clean. However it was extremely lonely. I wouldn’t have people over, and Ginger doesn’t talk, so it was very quiet. Then you came and moved in.

After living by myself for seven months it was quite a rude awakening for me to have someone to share the house with. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you? You got in that horrible accident, broke both arms, had surgery on them, could no longer do what you love more that anything, being a firefighter/paramedic, and so you came back to school and had to move in with some random gay guy 10 years younger than you. The entire kitchen and living room was furnished with my stuff, there was no wall space for anything you wanted to put up, and you had to drop your lifestyle to fit around the one I forced on you the second you stepped into the door.

You are a great guy. You are always there for me. You adapted to live in this crazy house of control so quickly and almost flawlessly. You are always willing to help out, you practically know everything, and would give the shirt off your own back to a stranger. You are an amazing dad, and the relationship you have with your daughter inspires me for when I have kids one day. The bond that you and I share is special. I don’t think of you as just a roommate. I know I’m not easy to live with. I never said I was, nor will I ever completely change. I’m trying as hard as I can to get better though. I’m not perfect. I don’t know why I have to control certain things? This is just who I am. I clean the entire house; because I have a certain way I like it to be done. It’s not that you “do it wrong”, but because if I don’t’ do it, it will sit there and haunt me. Laughing at me and making me feel sick because I can’t control it, because I didn’t do something about it. So when you clean and I go right behind you and clean whatever it is again, it’s because I have to satisfy that urge.

I have been really hard on you about the house, too hard. I don’t know why? I don’t want this to affect our relationship as friends and roommates. I was out of line last night and every other time. You were doing everything you could to keep me sane from all the people, and keep the house clean, and still have fun. I had no right to yell or take my lack of control out on you. You were working your ass off to satisfy me. You did nothing wrong. I completely lost it when that glass bottle broke and spilt everywhere in the kitchen. I hated how I reacted and embarrassed myself. A bottle broke. It happens. Things break and spill, people make mistakes. Hell I even spilt a few things last night. No one is perfect, including me. I was a monster and I feel absolutely terrible. You weren’t doing anything wrong. I should have just gone and punched a pillow to release my tension from the mess, instead of criticizing you for how you were cleaning “wrong”. I feel terrible Chad. I really do. This whole situation has made me sit back and re-evaluate my life. Looking back I see what is more important in life. The wonderful people I surround myself with, not the perfect and clean house I live in. After you reacted back and lost it, it hit me. I am the problem. I’m the one who can’t do anything right and instead of trying to control how perfect the house is, and controlling you to live in the house perfectly, I need accept the fact that nothing is perfect. I’m not, your not, the house is not, nor will the house or us ever be.

I’m planning on seeing a counselor at Tech when we come back from Christmas break. Hopefully they can help me to cope with this disease and get through this. Hopefully they can help save me so I do not loose you or anyone else in my life due to this tragic lifestyle that is causing me to collapse inside. I am so so so sorry for everything. I wish I could just stop. It physically hurts and exhausts me to live this way. If I do not stop worrying, stressing, and obsessing, it will be my undoing. I ask for your forgiveness. If not, I completely understand. I’m trying.

Please be patient with me. I love you more than you will ever know, and having you in my life is a true blessing.   

          

Jayson         

"Do not touch! This house is like a museum!"

"It takes you 20 minutes to make your bed?"

"Windex doesn't really make that big of a difference Jayson." 

"All of my dishes are dirty, may I borrow one?"

Pedagogy Final

I am a gay man. I believe in god, I believe in true love, and I believe in doing what you love. The most beautiful thing to me is bringing all three together. You could say I am a hopeless romantic. I am a very happy and independent person, however I love people. I love being in love, and I love traditions. I want nothing more than to find that one person I work well with, that one person that takes my breath away and gives me bird-sized butterflies in my stomach. I want to find that one person that I can and will love unconditionally, a love like my parents. I want to have a family. I want to adopt children, and welcome them to my home with open arms and give them love, warmth, and support. I want to push my children to believe that they can do what ever they want to do! That my children can be anything they want to be! To teach my children how to be respectful, good people in the world, to work hard, and question, and explore! Most importantly, for my children to know that they will never be alone again, and that their two fathers will always be there for them. I want to introduce my children to god, and all the wonderful things he does for us. I want to start traditions with my children to have memories to share and remember for the rest of their lives. I want my children to be happy.

Unfortunately, I cannot get married in Texas, and most adoptions take a really long time, and some adoption agencies, do not favor, nor like gay couples. This is a set back, but only a minor obstacle in my life that I will overcome! I will have my happy ending. Usually when people think of the gay culture it is in a stereotypical, and negative way. Gay is usually defined as flamboyant men who dress well, working as waiter’s to be actors, and sleep with any man they meet at the bar or club. Some gay men may be like that which is perfectly fine, however not all gay men are like this. Some gay men you would never know they were gay. Some you might not be sure and some you might guess right away. Some gay men do not want to settle down, some gay men may want to settle down, but can never find the right guy, and some gay men get married and settle down to live a quiet life. Some gay men love children, and some gay men do not. Some gay men are lawyers, doctors, teachers, business men, oil typhoons, and some are fashion designers, chefs, waiters, or bounce around jobs. There is no right or wrong. My point is that we are human beings too! We are all different and want different things, but at the same time, we aren’t that different. We are just like straight people, only we are attracted to the same sex. We have goals, dreams, tribulations, and adversities. In this painting I broke away from my norm of making art about being an advocate for animals, the environment and zoos, and instead tried something different. I expressed my feelings, and goals, and dreams that I have as a gay man. I wanted the image to be a little abstract because to most, gay and straight, what I want is abstract to them. However I don’t expect everyone to understand it, but it means something to me, and that is what is most important. To love, live, and dream. 

First MAE Paper

Zoo keeping as Inspiration

Jayson Luce

Research

October 9, 2012

“The worldwide zoo community can have real influence in shaping people’s attitudes towards, and knowledge of, animals.” (Hosey, Melfi, Pankhurst, Zoo animals) Growing up I was always fascinated with animals. My love and passion for animals was stronger than anything else in life, and truly guided me to be the person and artist that I am today. Growing up in Lake Jackson Texas, a small town an hour south of Houston, the only way I would ever gain any knowledge about the natural world, aside from school, would be TV, or the zoo. However as convenient as television may be, seeing the animals actually alive and interacting before your own eyes in a zoological park is the most amazing feeling in the world, and truly shows how special and wonderful animals are.

Zoo’s “are scientifically run and governmentally regulated institutions, which have a significant role to play in our relationship with the natural world.” (Hosey, Melfi, Pankhurst, Zoo animals) You can learn so much about the natural world just by seeing a sea lion glide through the water, being able to hear a kookaburra laughing across the zoo, or seeing a tiger rip a piece of meat to shreds; all right in front of you! This can not only educate you on how other life forms live, but also obtain a relationship with these animals, and influence you to want to care and protect the animals in the wild. According to earthsendangered.com over 10,796 animals around the world are on the endangered species list. This list is constantly updated everyday. Animals become endangered through overpopulation, loss of habitat, climate change, poaching, and much more. “Conservation of endangered species is now a major goal of zoos accredited by organizations such as the AZA US Association of Zoos and Aquariums, EAZA European Association of Zoos and Aquariums, etc.” (Hosey, Melfi, Pankhurst, Zoo animals)

Zoo’s themselves focus on different ways of conserving our wildlife to ensure that the species do not die off and disappear like the dodo bird. Breeding of species, especially rare and endangered animals, is one way of “saving the species.” Another example would be taking in elephant calves from an African park, that no longer has room or the space to allow them to live in the wild. Plus due to poaching of Elephants for their ivory, they would be safer in the hands of a zoo…alive, and not end up slaughtered and tusk-less left by poachers to die in the savannah. (French, Zoo Story) With the elephants living in peace in the zoo, viewers can be educated of the poaching that is happening all around the world, which can lead to donations, volunteers, and educators to protecting the animals in the wild.

Growing up I always enjoyed drawing and making art. I always felt safe to be who I wanted to be in my hidden world. I would draw animals all the time. I drew animals that were living in their natural habitats, or imaginary animals I created from my head, which is what I still do to this day. I never drew people because I was never interested in drawing them. I wanted to draw and make art about animals. All animals are beautiful and intelligent in their own way. They have lived millions of years and adapted to live a life a certain harmonious way, and it benefit the environment around the world. If you look at the destruction of the world, it’s by humans. Man created politics, wars, chemicals, and technology that could be our undoing. Yes I know living in the wild is not all rainbows and butterflies, and man has also done great things for the world, and environment, but what man does is of no interest to me.

What is of interest to me? I love animals and the art of zoo keeping. Zoo’s helped me to be the person and artist that I am today, because I learned to appreciate the outdoors, learning about nature, and being more involved in protecting the environment. With this I create my own animals through drawings and incorporate them throughout most of my art. I will also take some of my traditional wheel thrown pieces and decorate them or add to them with my animals that I have created from hand building with clay. I also make stand alone ceramic animals not attached to my pottery, that I made up from my same drawings. Everything is original to my own creativity and "wild" mind. I am slowly working on creating a children's book series staring my own creations, artful ceramic toys, and hopefully a 3D installation down the road, which focus on my fascination, and the beauty, and love I have for Zoos, and the amazing animals they care for.

Nick Brandt is a wildlife photographer that takes breathtaking black and white photos of African animals in the Amboseli ecosystem in East Africa, and his passion for protecting this vast wild land is inspiring to me. Brandt created the Big Life Foundation in 2010. The foundation was created to preserve and protect the wildlife of East Africa. 280 park rangers were hired and have dramatically reduced the number of poaching that takes place in East African Wildlife parks. (Brandt, Across the Raved Land) Nick Brandt’s photos are dramatic, and strike a strong emotion to the viewer. What is the animal thinking? Does the animal know their home is in danger? Does the animal know conditions are getting better? Brandt inspires me not only for his activism in protecting the environment, but his passion for telling these animals stories, just by photographing them in their daily life. While I do not work in photography, I too am an avid activist for the environment; and when I create art of the animals that I imagine, the images are also like portraits. Every animal I create has a personality all its own, and has it’s own story to tell, like that of Brandt’s photographs. Brandt does not use color in his photographs. In my ceramic figures I do use different color glazes, from dull to vibrant, however I try to keep the glazing very simple. I want the figures to be striking in color, but I also want them to stand alone with their forms. I want people to see my animals and feel joy, inspired and passionate to work or save animals, as I do every time I visit a zoo. With this I hope to spread my love, passion, and obsession with animals, and encourage people to work with me, to insure they stay with us for our children, and grandchildren to appreciate.

With the dedication of zoo’s, my passion for animals, and the creativity of artist’s looking to express themselves by make a statement for the animals without a voice, I am positive that we can make an impact to protect, and preserve the animals of the world.

References

Hosey, Geoff, Melfi, Vicky, Pankhurst, Sheila, “Zoo Animals, behavior,

management, and welfare”, Oxford University Press, 2012, pages 1, 345

French, Thomas, “Zoo Story”, Hyperion, 2010, Pages 9 - 12

Brandt, Nick, “Across The Ravaged Land”, Abrams Publishing, 2013, Pages 1-117